


Become Small Again

by ryttu3k



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Anime), Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types, Pocket Monsters: X & Y | Pokemon X & Y Versions
Genre: Aftermath, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Family, Gen, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-17
Updated: 2016-09-17
Packaged: 2018-08-15 12:39:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8056741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ryttu3k/pseuds/ryttu3k
Summary: Try and be kind to yourself when you're feeling bad'Cause there's no better way through





	Become Small Again

So they manage to save the world.

It's a new day, a new start, sunlight spreading like liquid over the torn lands, the wounded cities. In Anistar, they gather - those dubbed the Saviours of Kalos, those who people are talking about as heroes who have protected the entire world - and take stock of themselves.

The Pokemon Center becomes a makeshift shelter. They lick their wounds, huddle in groups; the rush of victory is wearing off and reality has begun to set in.

Alain sits slumped against a wall. He had been doing well until an innocuous movement of his arm had sent pain lancing through his shoulder; the Professor had spotted his sudden cringe of pain and had immediately ordered that he get checked out.

He'll be needing surgery soon, for the shoulder that hasn't healed since Hoenn; for now, it's bandaged, arm in a sling. His broken fingers (stupid, stupid, he had done this to himself, could have prevented it if he had kept his emotions in check, if he hadn't been so completely fooled in the first place) have been immobilised and taped up.

Manon presses her arm against his, her head on his shoulder. She has not let go of Hari-san, will not let go even if the fatigue that they're all feeling threatens to swamp her. The Professor is nearby; he's running himself ragged between talking to reporters and authorities, checking on Alain and Manon, checking on his boyfriend and his kids, checking on his students, and Alain watches him wear himself out on others.

Alain watches Meyer, the Professor's boyfriend, as he speaks softly with Clemont and Bonnie. Alain already has a feeling he knows what they're talking about, can understand the sadness that covers them all like Blaziken Mask's cape; he saw what had become of the android Clemont had built.

From across the room, Satoshi catches his eye and gives him an exhausted smile; Pikachu is actually sleeping on his shoulder and Greninja has been recalled to be healed. Alain nods back automatically. There are a few things you can't do without becoming friends for life, brothers in arms; fighting side by side to save the world is one of them.

A little brother, he thinks, watching Satoshi, and glances down to see Manon's red head drop to his good shoulder, finally succumbing to sleep. And a little sister, too. The Professor finally approaches, having left Meyer and Clemont and Bonnie's sides; perhaps, Alain thinks, perhaps a trusted, loved parent, too.

"How are you doing?" the Professor asks gently, easing himself down cross-legged on the floor, only wincing a little from his bruises.

Alain can't actually shrug with one shoulder braced and the other being used as a pillow; he makes a non-committal noise. "How are Clemont and Bonnie? And their father?"

The Professor exhales. "Meyer has some broken ribs, but he'll be fine. They're... sad. Citroid was part of the family. Even if Clemont can rebuild him, he'll still have lost his family. And Bonnie - she had to say goodbye to her friend. That's always hard."

He nods once. "They're good kids."

"They are." The Professor smiles briefly, almost hesitantly. "Practically your brother and sister already."

Alain gives him a startled look. "Are they?"

"They are," the Professor repeats. "If you want. If you feel up to coming home again."

He nods wordlessly, throat tight.

Home, in Lumiose City. Home, at the labs, in the garden, with Gabrielle growling affably at the smaller Pokemon and being his favourite enormous pointy dragon little sister, with Alain's favourite Psyduck cuddled up to his leg. Liza hasn't been there since she was a Charmander; Hari-san was born there.

He hasn't been home for two years.

"Can I come too?" Manon murmurs sleepily, and the Professor chuckles.

"Of course!"

He misses home so much it's a physical ache in his chest.

When was the last time he felt safe? When was the last time he was genuinely, unconditionally happy? He can remember sunlit afternoons with Liza as a Charmander, sprawled in the grass with his laptop, working outside in the comfort of the Pokemon enclosure. He can remember tousling with Gabrielle as she grew from Gible to Gabite to Garchomp, protective of her and protected by her in turn. He can remember the lab as home, the lab as sanctuary; a little room of his own with his books and his bed and a window that opens up on the pulse of life that runs through Lumiose City, Prism Tower bright in the distance.

He thinks that if he does go home, he will ask for a different room. He does not think he will be able to look at the Tower for a long time.

Alain closes his eyes tightly. Red skies, vines. Satoshi immobilised. Lysandre gesturing out to his world. Lysandre smirking as he orders a Stone Edge against Liza. Lysandre, arms flung wide, toppling from the top of the tower.

Not that that stopped him for very long.

Alain pulls his legs up to his chest, rests his forehead against his knees.

"Alain?" Manon whispers; he shakes his head wordlessly.

No. No, he doesn't want a view of the Tower. Sickness and disgust; devotion and loyalty, regret and desperate, desperate terror. They're so tangled up in each other he doesn't think he will ever be able to separate one from the other.

He manages a bit of sleep, curled up on the floor, Manon's head under his chin, Hari-san warm and safe between them, Liza's wing spread over them like a shield and a blanket. They've slept like this before, out in the wide world, between first meetings and temporary partings; it's a moment of normalcy.

She's safe. Hari-san is safe. The Professor is safe. The world is safe. He managed it, in the end, after all.

He awakens to the news of Lysandre's body being retrieved from the Anistar harbour and is plunged into a panic attack so immediate, so sudden that he can barely breathe from it, that all he can do is pull away from Manon and curl into the smallest ball possible, slamming at the ground with broken fingers, unaware of any of it, only knowing his pulse roaring in his ears and the screaming in his head that he's coming, he's coming, he's back and he's going to hurt them, he's back and he's going to take Alain away from safety and security and _home_ , he's back and he's never, ever, ever going to be free of him, not again, not ever.

He's only dimly aware of being picked up and carried, clinging to rough skin, wings as his shelter.

There are arms around him. The room is warm and dark and quiet; there are arms around him and he's being rocked like a child, a soft voice telling him that everything is okay, everything is okay.

Alain blinks.

He's curled on a bed in one of the Pokemon Center's dorms. Gabrielle and Liza stand sentinel, Manon watches with her brown eyes dark in sadness from the other bed. He catches sight of the Professor's watch - no, not a watch, there's a keystone on it - as a gentle hand brushes back his sweat-soaked hair.

"Alain?" His voice is gentle. "How are you feeling?"

"Nnh." It's not really an articulate answer, but it's the best he can give at the moment.

Manon slips off the other bed, tucking herself in on his other side. She's still holding on to Hari-san. "Are you okay?" she whispers, her eyes wide. "It was really scary - you just jerked awake and curled up and started hitting the ground -"

Oh. _Now_ the pain hits him. He groans again.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

The Professor again.

Alain shakes his head, draws himself inwards, fixes his lips in a line. "I'm fine."

Manon stares him down. "You had a - a -"

"A panic attack, I think -" the Professor supplies.

"- a panic attack and you _hurt_ yourself - and it was your broken fingers and everything and -" She pulls herself up off the bed and stands for the sole express purpose of stamping her foot. "You can talk to us! You know you can! Alain, c'mon, we both love you and we both care about what happens to you, you - you _jerkface_!"

There's a vibration from behind him; Alain suspects the Professor has just stifled laughter.

"Jerkface?" Alain repeats dubiously.

She flushes. "Well, you can be a bit of a jerk," she points out defiantly, and sits down on the bed again, wriggling close as if she hasn't just scolded him. "But seriously, Alain, _c'mon_. What happened? Did you have a bad dream?"

He's feeling helpless, pushes himself up. The Professor lets him, although he still keeps a stabilising arm across Alain's shoulders, the three of them sitting side by side on the edge of the bed. "I woke up," he says with a shake of his head. "The news was on."

Manon looks puzzled, but the Professor sighs, hand moving down to rub reassuringly between Alain's shoulder blades. "He can't hurt you any more. Whatever he's done, it's in the past. He's gone, and he can never hurt you again. I promise."

Alain nods, he can't really do anything else. He knows it's true, logically, in his head. But his mind is full of grasping hands and blue-eyed smirks, of the sensation of being lost in a sea of red. He knows he's gone. He saw that final strike. He knows no one could have survived it. He knows they're retrieving his body at this very moment. He knows it, he _does_.

So why can't he convince himself of it?

"When does it stop?" he says forlornly, before he can stop the self-pitying words from slipping from his lips.

The Professor sighs, looks down. "There's no one answer," he says quietly. "Trauma takes a long time to recover from, especially the kind you've faced - that you've both faced. It might not be a bad idea for you both to see someone when we get home. There's no shame in asking for help - you don't have to fight this on your own."

His eyes itch; they sting.

"You're not alone, okay?" Manon says seriously, and her little hands take his own, and he's crying and cannot stop.

He hasn't cried for two years, and now he weeps for every moment of fear and doubt, every moment where he has asked himself if he's doing the right thing, if he's ever going to possibly succeed in protecting the ones he loves; loneliness, _homesickness_ , wanting to return but not knowing if he ever could, fearing failure, fearing the Professor's anger at his absence, fearing for Liza, fearing for Manon; fearing for Kalos and for Hoenn and the world, the Director's - _Lysandre's_ words like a slap every time he thinks he's doing well, every time he thinks he might succeed, fear for his life facing the elemental forces that shape the world, fear for Manon and Steven, fear for Liza; Hari-san lying in a hospital bed with Manon's eyes dark and sad and lost, searching, desperately searching for a way to make it right, to fix what he's broken, to bring back her smile; finally being able to do something that makes him happy and seeing it torn away, facing the end of the world, facing the end of the world and _he's helped to make it happen_ , anger, _fury_ at being manipulated; rage turned outwards to Lysandre and inwards against himself for being so stupid, so incredibly foolish that he never saw it coming, his heart in his throat as he races to stop the apocalypse, the endless gut-churning fear of losing the ones he loves, fear of losing the world he loves, nightmares he can't stop, nightmares that strike during the day and during his waking hours, nightmares he thinks he might have for the rest of his life, and he cries and he cries.

He hasn't felt safe for two years. He hasn't cried for two years.

He's not alone. Manon's face is buried in his scarf. The Professor is stroking his hair. He really needs this hug, honestly. Gabby wraps her pointy arms around him, Liza hugs with her arms and wings both. There's a little pressure around his calf; Hari-san has wriggled out of Manon's arms and is hugging his leg.

Alain lets out a breathless laugh through his tears. The last time he saw Hari-san, he was being rather firmly told off for shouting at Manon (and the thought sends yet another surge of tears to his eyes, he's treated her so badly, so appallingly); and now he's being hugged.

He doesn't deserve them, their love, their support.

"Of course you do," the Professor says, and Alain starts; he hadn't realised he had said it out loud. "Alain, you've had a - a hard time lately. But it's over now. And you deserve to be happy."

"I've done such terrible things," he whispers, and his voice cracks.

The Professor shakes his head emphatically. "No. _That man_ did terrible things. To everyone, including you. Manon and Steven both told me about the things they saw - he had manipulated you from the start, Alain - what he did to you, it was manipulation, emotional abuse. You had the best of intentions, you never wanted to cause harm to anyone, you only ever wanted to help. And when you found out what he had done to you, you helped save the world. If you hadn't stepped up when you did, we would all be dead now."

"And you saved Hari-san," Manon adds, her voice cracking a little. "You made a promise and you kept it. I know we had a fight and everything and sometimes things were bad and everything, but - you kept your promise. Everything else, we can work out now." Hari-san adds a vocal affirmation, and Manon scoops up the Chespin; Alain doesn't think she will ever let go.

The Professor grins suddenly, and holds up his left hand, where the keystone is fixed to his watch. "And if anyone says that any of this is your fault, I'm sure Gabrielle and I will have _plenty_ to say about it."

Gabrielle preens a little, and, finally, Alain lets out a laugh.

"Thank you," he whispers, lip caught between his teeth as he gazes at the Professor's keystone. And then, resolutely, he holds out his hand, where his own keystone sits in the bangle that has cuffed him since his first meeting with Lysandre. "Can you - help me take this thing of?"

The Professor smiles gently. "Of course."

The bangle is stiff; Manon's nimble fingers pry back the catch and the Professor levers it open. Alain sucks in a breath and pulls his wrist free from it; there's a white line where his skin has not seen sun for a very long time.

"Thank you," he says again, and reaches up to remove Liza's collar.

They will not be held by them any more.

Alain pries the stones free, the keystone and the Charizardite rolling in his palm, and Liza readies herself. With a nod, he tosses both collar and bangle in the air - and Liza incinerates them both with a controlled burst of flame.

He can't even bring himself to mind when the fire alarm goes off seconds later.

 

It doesn't end there, of course it can't. He can't recover in a day, he can't get over two years in an instant.

But it's a start. It's a start.

The gym leaders return to their cities. The rest of them return to Lumiose City.

Steven sticks around for a little while. Alain still finds himself going a little inarticulate and clamming up around him (although at least he's not the only one, although he's a little embarrassed by the fact that the kid blushing over Steven can't be much more than ten); Manon grins and elbows him and he can't really mind it because at least that's back to normal (although he definitely has no regrets when she tries to tease him about it by pointing out her completely un-subtle crush on Serena). Eventually, they part ways again; Steven clasps Alain's healing hands, tells him he's glad he's alright now, and promises him a private tour of Hoenn the next time he's in the area.

(Manon teases him a lot after that.)

Serena leaves; she's going to work on becoming a top performer. Manon picks up an unforeseen interest in Showcases.

Satoshi returns to Kanto - home again, but not for long, he's a wanderer by nature and Alain knows he will not stay still for long. Where ever his travels take him, he has promised to keep in touch with Alain and with his other friends; some things forge friendship for life.

Clemont returns to his gym; Bonnie and Meyer will help him with the reconstruction. This is not a goodbye - they're family now.

He goes home.

The lab is almost exactly how he remembers it. The garden is warm and bright and green, Psyduck clings to his leg, Combee and Vivillon flutter through the air. He has his own desk again in the workspace; he has a new room that overlooks the garden, all of his old, comfortable things in it. Sophie helps him acclimatise, Cosette is warm and friendly.

Meyer comes over for lunch at the labs and brings the kids. Bonnie chatters away, a ray of sunshine; Clemont helps Alain take readings, loving all sorts of sciences. Meyer (once his ribs heal, Alain can understand the frustration of your own body being inoperative and broken, he can understand why Meyer nearly sneaks out in uniform twice before his doctor gives him the all-clear) returns to protecting Lumiose City.

Alain is half considering asking if Blaziken Mask wants a sidekick.

He knows the day is coming when Manon decides to leave. She's missed out on so much - a journey, seeing the world, growing strong. And it hurts, but he watches her go with a smile on his face and his hand around his wrist, where the friendship bracelet she's woven for him sits alongside the watch band his keystone is now mounted to.

She comes back. Visits, on her way to becoming stronger. He's proud, the day she manages to beat him and Liza in a battle.

When he feels he can, he challenges the Elite Four, wins against all of them. Against Diantha, it comes down to their last Pokemon. He loses, bows, and thanks her, then tells her he hopes to be back next year.

He's not the strongest. But he's okay. His family is okay. They're healing, Kalos is healing.

Alain flies from Victory Road on Liza's back, the wind in his hair, a keystone on a watch band sitting next to a friendship bracelet on his wrist, making for Lumiose City.

And he goes home.

**Author's Note:**

> Summary and title from Tonight by The Whitlams.


End file.
